Last week, in honour of Remembrance Day, one of my Facebook friends posted a beautiful picture of a poppy with the tagline, ‘lest we forget’. Such memes make their way around social media every year at the beginning of November and sometimes I wonder if we know what we might be forgetting. Lest we forget what? I suppose that the phrase is intended to remind us of the cost of war and sacrifice. Perhaps it is intended to remind us about what happens when others use power to oppress the weaker and what is required to put an end to the atrocities that arise from such abuses. We must never forget what happens when we lose our sense of common human decency, when we lose our commitment to mutual respect, when we turn in on ourselves and have no time for kindness and grace.
This year, I thought the meme particularly poignant in light of the thoughts that have been occupying my brain around expectations and ideals and wondering how the loss of both personal and collective expectations have resulted in a rather distressing pandemic of individualism and narcissism. (You can check out the previous posts on Self-Interst and The Demise of Should, to follow the thought train). Pair that with my increasing sense of having let the people I love down somehow in my failure to do or be what I should do and be, and things were beginning to look a little bleak.
But today, things are looking brighter, despite the grey day outside! Since my last post, I have had a few opportunities to chat with folks about what role ‘should’ plays in their lives and what role we think it should have in our common life together in community.
A few observations from these conversations:
Contemplate the difference between should and could. ‘Should’ is a value laden term. It is about what one ought to do according to a particular set of moral rules. Perhaps this is why there is such guilt and/or shame when we fail at should. The failure of should isn’t just the failure of an action, it is a failure of character and of being. When I think about how I should clean my house, or how I should treat the people I don’t like very much with respect, or how I should more actively support initiatives that make our community and our world a better place, I find myself sighing a deep sigh of burden. Maybe the rest of you out there joyfully consider your shoulds. I don’t. They weigh me down. I feel overwhelmed by the many things I ought to do and inadequate of character at my failure to do them. I want to do these things. I believe in these things. I admire others who do these things. I think these things are essential if there is ever to be anything approaching common human decency. And yet I don’t do them. Am I a fraud or a hypocrite? Perhaps. Maybe it’s just me.
But could – that’s a whole other ball of wax. Could is about ability and possibility. Could is about acknowledging what we are capable of, which is usually more than we think. What would happen if I changed the narrative of should to a story of could? I could clean my house. I could show respect to others, even those I don’t like very much. I could do more in my community and in the world to make them better places. I am capable of such things. I am capable of many things. And now instead of feeling ashamed, I find myself faced with a choice: if I am capable of such things, will I choose to do them? And if I choose not to do them, am I prepared to take responsibility for the consequences of that action or inaction? I don’t think this is just splitting hairs or parsing peanuts. Taking responsibility for a choice seems to me to be less burdensome and guilt-ridden than failing to meet an ideal. This is a whole new conversation. It’s a conversation not of expectation and ideal (and their possible failure), but one of possibility and responsibility.
Curious side note: something very interesting just happened as I wrote this last paragraph. I finished the previous paragraph about feeling like a fraud feeling overwhelmed and powerless. At about the middle of this last paragraph, the heaviness lifted. My heart has actually sped up with something approaching excitement! I’m sure there is some kind of scientific and psychological explanation for patterns of thinking and brain chemicals and all that, but I just experienced it in the course of 10 minutes. Totally cool!
Another observation. Despite the dangers of ‘should’, I think there is still a role for expectation and ideal in our common life together. I like to think that there is such a thing as common human decency and that most people will behave respectably toward one another. Most of the time this is true. Most of the time people are gracious and kind to one another. Most of the time, others affirm our unique individuality. Most of the time our society chugs along with a fairly simple code of conduct based on mutual respect and dignity that most people cheerfully employ most of the time.
As we are aware though, there are individuals who, sometimes alone or in a group, ignorantly use their power for their own benefit at the expense of others. And there are individuals and groups who are habitually treated disrespectfully, who are used and abused, and who are degraded and who are treated unjustly. Lest we forget them.
It’s one thing to recognize my own capacity for goodness and to act upon it for my own sake and sanity. It’s quite another to recognize that capacity (or its absence) in others and to come alongside those whose lack of power keeps them shamefully underfoot. And yes, I did say shamefully on purpose.
If we are to continue to have hope in the human race, if our communities are going to be come healthy, joyful, and productive places, then there are some things in our world that must grow and thrive and other things that must stop or be fixed. If I have ability, I also have responsibility. If I can, then I must. Even though we can’t all agree on what constitutes the details of moral obligation to ourselves and others, we can all agree that there is such a thing as moral obligation.
This is a bit of a meandering reflection. I am getting hung up on the complexities of words and how they frame my thinking. I am trying to make sense of how I can be released from the burden and guilt of unmet expectation and be empowered to pursue what I can and must do and be for the sake of the places I inhabit and the relationships that shape my life. I wonder if it comes down to purpose. That purpose involves me, but it isn’t me. That purpose is about my children and my home, my neighbourhood and my community, this world and this planet. I am a part, and I have a part. And because I happen to be a person with a certain amount of power and influence, I must use the abilities I have to be responsible in my sphere of influence. Somehow, this narrative seems to me more helpful and hopeful than wallowing in self-interest or self-judgment.
I began this journey into writing with a commitment to write for myself: to find some way of processing the way my inner brain life comes up against my experiences in the world. I told myself it wouldn’t matter what people thought about what I write or how I write it because the important part for me was in the writing itself. Now, only three pieces later, I am finding that the place where my inner brain life comes up against my experiences in the world is full of other people with their own inner brain lives and experiences in the world. That community shapes me and I have a part in shaping it. My foray into writing for myself has been short lived. I should have known!
Brilliant! I’m thrilled with the thought progression, and smiled hugely at your concluding sentence. Write on! for yourself, and we will partake vicariously of the benefit.
I consistently substitute could for should and find it relieving. However, when visitors are coming should can take over! But acting from a place of empowerment, could, is liberating.
Interesting reflections.